you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
