today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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