R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
