im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
