i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
