i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
