I'm so fucking centered right now
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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