I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
