thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
