My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
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welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
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AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.