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your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
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