handjob tips. give me some.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
