theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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