People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
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From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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