Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
