Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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