I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
