I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
