My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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