never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
