But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
