I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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