i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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