a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
