I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
