It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
