My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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