While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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