Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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