How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
