I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
