You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
