I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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