Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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