I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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