I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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