im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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