Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Randomize
