I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
