I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
