I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
