Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
