she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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