fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
