The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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