My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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