I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
