im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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