I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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