do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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