I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
