I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
