It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
