I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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