your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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