people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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