my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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