I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
