I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
