can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
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