I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
