Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
