i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
