hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
