my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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