Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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