My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
