it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
