I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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